So, obviously, Sunday is not a good day for me to blog. I guess it's really a day that my mind just shuts down, and only the most minimal of functions work to get me through the day. And, Monday, was a fun filled day with my daughter, who took me swimming, playing and eating at McDonald's, and then home for a long nap. In the evening, we watched "The Grinch who Stole Christmas" (Jim Carrey version). It was an awesome day, and no time to blog about it as it was happening.
SO, after a two day recess, I am back in full blogging mode. I am back on schedule, and anxious to share more. And for today, I would like to share something that has been in my thoughts for over the past year.
About a year ago, I decided to go off of my antidepressant medication. Now, before you all get weird about me admitting this (especially those of you who feel that I should be medicated), I want to explain to you why I did it, and what has happened because of it.
First of all, I was on the lowest dose possible. It was just enough to help my coping mechanisms function to where I could process day to day events without completely shutting down emotionally, and failing to react or respond in any logical way. Secondly, my mother recommended that I read this book called "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth, which is actually a meditation diet book, that opened up an interesting dimension to my life that I had previously failed to see.
Just to summarize the point and purpose that I took from the book, the author says that instead of following both conventional and unconventional diets, we are actually setting ourselves up for failure. Instead, through meditation and listening to the "voices" in ourselves, if we are in tune with our bodies, our own appetites and desires, then we will always be eating what our bodies need, and not forcing it to eat what we think it needs, or what we think we need. It was an interesting book. I learned a lot about my approach to food and my body, but the extra spiritual lesson that I took from it was both and added and unexpected bonus.
After reading through the book a couple of times, I realized that the concept that Geneen Roth was teaching, applied to ALL of my appetites, not just food related. Though she is an Atheist, she poses that in each and every one of us (other than schizophrenics and multiple personality disorders sufferers), there are three inside voices that we listen to every day.
The first voice, is the voice in our mind. It is the collage and combination of the external data, media, etc, that we receive through our eyes, ears and mouth. It is the voice that tells us the logic and reason of the information that floods through what we see and hear. On a spiritual note, I believe that the adversary, or the devil, as most call him, communicates to us through this way. He cannot read our minds, but he can manipulate the messages on the outside and make sure that we ingest it.
The second voice, is what Geneen Roth calls your "gut instinct". It's your moral compass, or as I compare it, the Holy Ghost, or the witness from God that prompts and communicates to us what our Maker would have us know and do. Geneen says that this voice is the purest one. It's the one that always speaks the truth, and doesn't lead you astray. However, we tend to mute it out since the voice in our mind and the other voice I am about to introduce, seem to speak louder. After being ignored or pushed into the background for so long, this voice will eventually feel like it has ceased to speak, and will not reappear unless we pay it heed.
Lastly, the final voice is our own inner monologue. It's the collection of the other voices information, if you will. It's the one that sounds familiar when it says things like, we're worthless, stupid, ugly, fat, that we don't deserve any happiness, etc. It's influenced ultimately by the other voices, but since it's "our" own voice, we seem to pay the most attention to it. The voices in our mind and our gut mold and shape our inner monologue, but then we take what we want from the mind and gut, and speak it to ourselves.
After learning about this concept, I came to a realization. I needed to pay attention to the right voice, and to learn what affected me and my body so that I could control my behavior and mood.
And so the change began. It was very difficult at first. Difficult because I had to take a look around at what I was allowing myself exposure to, and what could I start to eliminate? Yes, food was the first change. After all, the book focused more on that aspect than others, but the concept applies to everything. Secondly, I focused on what kinds of things triggered my emotions. I realized very quickly that certain things on TV or in books or movies could change me very quickly, and affect my mood for long periods of time. Music was another trigger. Anything that left me feeling empty, agitated or full of fear, I decided that I no longer needed it in my life, and did away with whatever affected me in that way. In just a few months, I saw a huge difference. Not that I think that everyone who suffers from depression should follow my example, but it wouldn't hurt to do some spiritual "spring cleaning" in addition to counseling or medication.
Now, you are probably thinking, "she must be one of those annoyingly happy, self righteous people that will force her ideas and views on everyone to try and change them." And no, you are wrong. Yes, I am writing about it here, but I will never force this on everyone, because of another thing that I learned through all of this. Different things trigger different people. Some things that bother me, do not bother my husband, or my parents, siblings, friends, etc. Just as an example, it doesn't matter what the rating of a movie is, it's the CONTENT and how I FEEL while I watch, read, experience, that I research now. I know what will affect me in the long run, and so therefore I will take responsibility for what I do/see. Just like how I control what I eat, I now have decided to listen to my voices (through meditation), and hopefully through the right one, I control what I take in on a daily basis.
In summation, I am constantly surprised with what triggers me, nowadays. I seem to be more sensitive to lots of things that I thought didn't bother me when I started on this journey. Some books and movies that tweens and teenagers like triggers me in the wrong way, so I avoid them, even though I'm 33 years old. My new lifestyle gets some interesting reactions from friends, and family, but I have to do what I have to do for me. Some things don't surprise me, like how I'm much happier when I don't watch the local news anymore. Instead of allowing outside influences, even well intended ones decide for me what's acceptable or not for me to ingest, I am "taking the wheel" of my life, and doing what's best for me.
Overall, I am much happier, and more importantly, I don't have moments of anxiety or paralyzing fear. I don't worry about what I can't control, and instead educate myself on how I can be better prepared in all things. Whether you are religious or not, it doesn't matter. If you find yourself relating to how I am, then I invite you to search within yourself and listen to right voices that will guide you to a more contented life.
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